The Tale of the Unsent Mails

It was time. You had to leave. I had to stay behind. I did not question. It was heartbreaking to see you go, but at that moment, I understood.

Days after, I chanced upon a draft you left in your email. You weren’t able to send it.

“I have been wanting to compose this since before your birthday but never had the time nor opportunity.

We are definitely not an expressive family though I think we should try to be.

I love you very, very much. I know you know that because love can be expressed in so many ways.

I am so proud of the person you have become. You have given me so much support in every possible way. You have given me courage and strength during this most difficult stage of my personal life. You have become my guidance counselor…not that I am complaining because it makes me happy and proud.

I know I am so blessed to have you as my daughter. God must love me so much to have given me such an ultimately beautiful blessing. I know that God will continue to give you and Marc a lot of beautiful blessings as He knows you two are most precious and important to me.”

Then my eyes teared up. I thought to myself…I didn’t even get the chance to reply while you were here..

Of course, I know you do.. And I love you too.

You brought me into this world. You fed me, bathed me, clothed me. You held me, hugged and kissed me. You calmed my cries. You sang me lullabies to sleep. You took care of me.

You taught me. You disciplined me (without spanking).

You made sure we always had oatmeal for breakfast. You brought us to school and fetched us after. I’m not sure how you did it since you weren’t your own boss. But everyday, you were there…from nursery to college.

You didn’t always give what we wanted. But you taught us what we need to know. You taught us right from wrong. You told us to do our best in all things. You reminded us to stay humble.

You supported my career decisions from college to work. You didn’t mind that I wanted to pursue photography, even if it was unconventional and that my course had nothing to do with it. You supported me because I was happy.

Your whole life is an expression of love unconditional…of God’s love. You started loving me since I had life. And it never stopped. Not even when you had cancer.

You wanted everyone to go on with life, as you faced the world strong still, with God by your side. Never did you cry for this cancer. Not for the pain that you sometimes felt nor for how weak your body was becoming. Not even when I cried and couldn’t stay strong for you. You kept strong for me.

The only time tears ran down your eyes when you were about to go. You must have been thinking about us. I had a wedding shoot that day and wasn’t supposed to be in the hospital. God is good (always). He led me to visit you before my shoot. You couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. You endured total physical weakness for that last meet.

You saw me.

You heard Marc’s voice.

And it was enough.

At first, I couldn’t imagine life without you. But by God’s grace and faithfulness, life has been good. It has been two years already. And I can only be grateful.

I know I am so blessed to have you as my mother. God must love me so much to have given me such an ultimately beautiful blessing. I know that God will continue to keep you in His arms as He knows you are my first love.

Happy two years in heaven, Mama!

Love,

Jamie

P.S. I trust God will find a way to let you get this unsent mail  I miss you! But I know you’re happy where you are now